Marketing Mussels

A distant relative of Sahara's posed an interesting question this morning: What, she enquired, is our guerilla marketing plan?

Obviously, we have no interest in recruiting large primates to the cause; it's not so much that their fingers are too fat for most smart phones, they could always use a tablet, after all. No, it's more a question of their ability to pay the bill. They have no pockets. Where would they keep their wallets? It's a real non-starter.

It does, however, raise the interesting question of smart-phone demographics. Here at ElmerFudge.com, we spend a lot of time investigating the psyche of our target market. Dave, the barman at the Dog & Duck, is particularly well versed in what makes phone consumers tick.

According to this pundit of the pumps, your average smart-phone owner wants just two things from from the Apps installed on his consumer electronic of choice come closing time:

(1) A big button in the middle of this screen that, when you pass out and hit your head on it, calls a taxi, gives the driver your gran's address (don't want anyone knowing where you really live) and arranges for your best mate Phil to pay the bill with his wife's club-card points.

(2) An App that can dry out your phone after it's been dropped into you gran's downstairs toilet a couple of times.

Actually, I have a solution to that second one. It's the iPhone 3GS video camera. I accidentally activated one in my pocket the other day. When I got back to the office, the darn thing was too hot to handle and the battery was flatter than a tortilla that's been sunbathing infront of a steam roller. Burnt my leg too. It really hurt.

Anyway, with Dave the barman's' considerable assistance, the senior staff here at ElmerFudge.com put our heads together over a bag of pork scratchings last night and came up with this simple chart for working out who we are targeting when developing for specific platforms:

iPhone: Hipsters, soccer-moms, rich-kids
Android: Geeks, students, normal-kids
Blackberry: Suits, MBAs, my gran
Windows Phone:  Microsoft employees, erm...

So, if you're a trendy, mature-student grandmother who works for Bill Gates, we may well have a job for you. I think I'm right in saying a couple of intern positions will be opening up very soon indeed…

Elmer